4+ week, 2+ day ago   (680+ words) Congratulations. Your child has received a diagnosis. You have now entered one of Southern California’s most biodiverse ecosystems. While these remarkable creatures can be found throughout the region, they thrive in particularly fertile habitats: Erewhon checkout lines, adaptive playgrounds, Pilates…...

1+ mon, 6+ hour ago   (617+ words) In the hospital bassinet next to my bed while I stayed awake for his first forty-eight hours to make sure he was still breathing In the hospital nursery Quietly, in my arms while I rocked him to sleep in a…...

1+ mon, 6+ day ago   (511+ words) MOM: I’m going to the front desk. I want to embarrass our adult children. DAD: I was just there to do exactly that by getting a ridiculous number of washcloths that we won’t use. MOM: Perfect. I’ll ask for a…...

1+ mon, 1+ week ago   (240+ words) “How sure are we that she’s dead? Should we double-check just to be safe? I know for a fact that she would not want to be buried alive.” “My dog wasn’t chill with anyone, but he was chill with her....

1+ mon, 1+ week ago   (422+ words) Grandma, it’s the first of the month. Did you forget the blood tithe was due? Don’t worry, gam-gam, I’ll help you figure it out. You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The…...

1+ mon, 3+ week ago   (969+ words) McSweeney’s Internet Tendency Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month and get access to author interviews, content calls, discounts at our store, and more. Help support our writers and keep our site ad-free. I’m Thrilled to Be Back…...

2+ mon, 6+ day ago   (719+ words) America kept on trying to get me to go to her birthday party. She does this every year, but this time it got really weird. She sent reminder after reminder, over and over again, that it was going to be…...

2+ mon, 2+ week ago   (619+ words) Upon arriving at the bus stop, your sigh should be that of the wistful and forlorn, not like a convert stumbling upon God’s holy grille. When the curious ask your dear camper’s length of stay, “Eight weeks!” must glide out…...

2+ mon, 3+ week ago   (609+ words) Brandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing. Eric Hughes, who, while listening to his wife’s entire twenty-two-minute story about how rude…...

2+ mon, 3+ week ago   (234+ words) What band is always in a hurry? Rush Which guitarist had the sauciest riffs? Spagh-Eddie Van Halen Why did AC/DC cancel their pool party? Thunder struck. What is Dark Side of the Moon about? It’s about forty-three minutes. Bon…...